Buddha's teachings: "Children should be treated as essential friends, not as the property of their parents." - 5 roles parents should know
子育てに悩んだとき、何を参考にすればいいのか。福厳寺住職で登録者40万超のYouTubeチャンネルが人気の大愚元勝さんは「お釈迦さまは『子を自分の所有物だと思うな』と説いている。親と子は別人格であることを自覚し、共に成長することを心がけたほうがいい」という 。(English) What should I refer to when I am worried about bringing up children? "The Buddha preached, 'Don't think of your child as your property. Parents and children should be aware that they are different personalities and should try to grow together."
Buddha's teachings: "Children should be treated as essential friends, not as the property of their parents." - 5 roles parents should know
A)
1)
The most significant problem people have is interpersonal relationships.
"There is no correct answer regarding raising children'' is a phrase often heard from parents who are unsure how to raise their children.
There is indeed no such thing as ideal or perfect parenting.
However, the more I want to avoid failing in raising my precious child, the more I want to find the correct answer as a parent.
Every parent has been a child.
Children have experienced this, but their parents have never.
2)
Naturally, we often feel confused about bringing up children, and it's also natural that we can't bring up our children the way we want.
Of all the problems that human beings have, the most fundamental and significant problem is always the problem of human relationships.
Husbands and wives cannot do what they want in front of their children.
Husbands and wives don't even think of themselves first.
So, the family is a place where problems never end.
B)
3)
Learn from the Sangha, an organisation created by the Buddha
I have children and worked in a kindergarten for ten years.
In addition, I am still involved in running a school, running several businesses and training apprentices to be monks.
Therefore, I regularly read books on psychology, books on education, and various research papers, both old and new.
4)
However, I always go around and end up with Buddha's "human education".
Buddha is the one who knows the human "heart" and has arrived at the truth.
Buddhism is the concrete way that Buddha taught his disciples to get rid of worldly desires, the source of human suffering, and to attain peace of mind.
Buddha preached the teachings to people and suggested a third place to live, rather than isolation or suicide, for those who felt the world was brutal and had no place to go.
5)
This is a gathering of monks called the Sangha.
Buddhism is a teaching that leads to peace of mind by cultivating oneself rather than seeking salvation from external beings such as gods. The dojo of human education for this purpose is the Sangha.
There is wisdom that can be applied to education. There are vital clues that are relevant to modern psychology and education.
C)
6)
The precept: "Do not regard your children as your property".
This time, I will introduce the basic principles of child-rearing and five roles that parents should be aware of.
Let me begin with the basic principles.
The Buddha said, "The foolish people who think, 'I have a child. I have a fortune,' are in trouble."
This is a precept of the Buddha: "Don't think of your children as your property."
7)
Parents, especially mothers, bear children in their wombs and wear down their lives to bring them up. That's why I feel that my child is my alter ego.
Of course, without such parental love, an infant would not grow up.
But we must not forget that children are separate and independent individuals from their parents.
Parents' love for their children can sometimes lead them to treat their children as their property or become attached to their children, causing both mother and child to suffer.
8)
Next, there are five roles that parents should keep in mind:
1. Hug and inclusion
2. Discipline
3. Setting limits
4. Mercy
5. Separation of children
D)
9)
1. Physical embrace and spiritual inclusion
Parenting is watching a baby, born with complete trust in its parents, develop social skills while feeling safe and entirely accepted by its parents.
The father's strong determination to protect his family and the mother's deep love for her child, who said, "I will take care of this child no matter what,'' was involved.
Only with this foundation of physical embrace and emotional acceptance from parents can children face the challenges of the unknown.
10)
The Sangha established by the Buddha was a base for people who had lost their homes.
The Sangha had the inclusiveness to accept people from all classes in Indian society when there was intense class discrimination and people who felt hopeless.
E)
11)
Why should we discipline our children?
2. Setting Limits to Promote Harmony with Society and Rationality in Children
The following essential role of parents is to set limits.
Setting limits means creating frustration in a child's mind by saying, "So far, it's OK, but from here on, no.".
Not all their desires will be met when children go out into society.
It doesn't matter if the child cries, shouts, complains or gets angry; things that are not good are evil.
12)
When parents gently but firmly set limits, children learn to reconcile their instincts with reason.
In Buddhism, controlling emotions such as greed and anger is called "ninshai, Enduring the shame and remaining unmoved." Children who do not learn "ninshai" will not only be unable to harmonise with society in the future but will also be unable to pursue their goals. There is a high possibility that they will not be able to control themselves.
13)
Even the Sangha practising Buddhism had its limits.
There are individual rules called "precepts" and strict group rules called "Vinaya, Ritsu."
The "precepts" are rules for individuals to suppress their emotions and maintain their rationality, and there are no penalties for breaking them.
However, since "Vinaya, Ritsu" are group (society) rules, there are penalties for breaking them.
14)
The reasons precepts (setting limits) are essential in the Sangha are as follows.
No1: By observing the precepts, harmony will be within and outside the Sangha.
No2: The purpose of the training of disciples is to develop rational personalities not influenced by emotions.
The precepts were an indispensable boundary for the Sangha.
F)
15)
3. Discipline is essential to avoid missing learning opportunities
The third important thing is discipline.
When you hear discipline, some may think it means being extremely strict, and others may feel uncomfortable.
However, discipline does not mean being harsh, strict or unpleasant.
As "discipline" suggests, discipline is about making your child look good.
16)
What does it mean to be physically beautiful?
We maintain our bodies by eating food every day.
We take in information and stimulation every day to maintain our minds.
Then, what we take into our body and mind is digested, absorbed and excreted from our body.
If the child's daily work causes a feeling of disgust to those around him, the child will be disliked by those around him.
17)
For example, what happens when you eat while making clinking and crunching noises with your utensils?
For example, what happens if you burp, fart, urinate and defecate all over the place when you defecate what you have eaten?
For example, what if you're playing with a friend and, unintentionally or not, you bump into someone or break a friend's toy, and you can't say "sorry"?
18)
Children grow up learning far more from outside the home, such as friends and school, than from their parents.
If the food, information, excrement and behaviour that goes in and out of their mouths and bodies is unclean, they may be disliked by their friends and teachers and miss out on their learning opportunities. Yes. That's why discipline is so important.
19)
At the time of the Buddha (and even today in Southeast Asia), the Sangha obtained all their food, clothing and shelter from alms and donations from people.
A sangha with an undisciplined monk who speaks and behaves vulgarly cannot receive support from the people.
That is why the Buddha disciplined his disciples so severely.
G)
20)
Children grow up with their parents' backs.
4, Compassion Charity to be consciously cultivated
The fourth is the four hearts called '"Ji-Hi-Ki-Sha'.
"Ji" is a heart of compassion
"Sad" is a heart of sadness
"Ki" is the feeling of being happy for others
"Sha" means a moderate sense without a biased mind.
No. 1: "Ji" means to cherish one's friends. Children are not my possessions, nor the compensation for my unfulfilled dreams, but my friends.
Growing up, you want to treat your precious friends with love.
No. 2: "Sad" is a heart that grieves together for children's sorrows.
Instead of ignoring children's sorrows, dismissing them as weak or overprotecting them, we must empathise. A heart that tries to understand a child's grief by relating it to itself.
That is the heart of grief.
21)
No. 3: "Ki" is a heart that rejoices with the joy of children.
Instead of being jealous, fooling around, or giving too much money and goods to the joy of children, the heart of obedient cuddling. That is the heart of happiness.
No. 4: "Sha" is the mind of "staying still".
They are too sweet and overprotective; they talk too much because they are worried; they get irritated; they get excited... Parents tend to go too far with their children.
22)
Hold it there and oversee it. This is the heart of devotion.
Unlike love, the nature of compassion and charity will not grow unless consciously nurtured.
Buddhism teaches us to extend our compassion and charity to our children, family, friends, acquaintances and neighbours.
Children learn to treat others by watching their parents treat their family and others with compassion and charity.
H)
23)
5. You should leave your child to make their way.
The ultimate goal of parenting is independence. Although they know this in their heads, some parents find it hard to let go of their children.
Mothers, in particular, tend to keep their children in their arms in the name of "care''. But children are not your property.
Children have their own lives.
My child will find someone more important to him than his parents, and he will build his own family with that person.
24)
At this time, parents may feel an indescribable sense of loneliness.
However, if the parents themselves do not overcome this, the children will never be able to leave their parents.
I)
25)
"Rely on yourself, not on me."
Buddha attained enlightenment at the age of 35 and died at the age of 80.
A disciple who had been at the great Buddha's side during his last moments lamented when he heard that the end was near:
"How shall we live after the Buddha has passed away?"
26)
Then the Buddha said:
"Do not rely on me. Don't rely on anyone else. Rely on yourself.
In Buddhism, relying on oneself and relying on oneself is called "self-reliance''.
The last message Buddha left to his disciples was: "Light your light''.
27)
Children should live by relying on themselves rather than on their parents.
Encourage and watch over your child so he can light their light one day. This is the love and role of parents.
28)
What did you think?
There is no correct answer when it comes to raising children. Parents are imperfect, so no matter how things turn out, there is no ideal way to raise a child.
But that's OK.
29)
This is because raising children is not something parents do alone; children learn and grow from friends, teachers and many other people besides their parents.
Parents can also grow through parenting, feeling lost and conflicted, sometimes joyful and sometimes crying.
Buddha's teachings: "Children should be treated as essential friends, not as the property of their parents." - 5 roles parents should know
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"Non-attachment" – Pain of love and separation. Love is attachment.
https://note.com/thousandcranes/n/n18cccae477a0
The cause of "the pain of parting with someone you love" is love. Buddha teaches that suffering is born from love. Loving something creates the desire to cherish and not lose the object of love. This is called "attachment." Love is one of the feelings of being attached to something.
- Attachment causes all kinds of suffering.
Nothing in this world stays the same forever, but what is essential is that we want it to remain the same. That's "attachment." It is this "attachment" that causes us suffering. The more attachment you have, the more pain you will suffer than pleasure.
- What is needed is not "love" but "benevolence."
Benevolence is kindness without distinction—empathy towards all life. However, it is not self-sacrifice.